A day to myself. Finally.

Yesterday, for the first time in a long long time, I actually broke down and cried. This morn too.

One main song stuck in my head is the hymn my dad's been singing lots and lots, especially during fishing. It goes:

"I'm going home to see my Saviour
I'm going home, no more to roam
I'm just a-crossing over Jordan
I'm just a-going, going home."

Obviously the first thought that comes to me is, boy, does my father really wanna go Home. I don't think anyone can question his desire tho. He's practically devoted all his life ever since a young man to serving the Lord, and gone through as much pain and suffering a man can take, whether from without or within. And I think the song fits him well -- he's been roaming far too long, methinks. And honestly I don't see many of my pals who have fathers who know his home is his cross. That's so for my dad. And, in a sense, it's so for me too.

Y'noe, I really wanna go Home too. In fact, that's why the song's in my head. Whenever I think about my cross, I get real upset and wish I could just 'go on up'. And yesterday thinking about that cross really weighed me down. Felt so crushed, and fearful that I might not ever be able to get up. And then the Army songs comes in, "I don't wanna lead an Army life. OC pls let me go, Sgt pls let me go, Mama, I wanna go hooome."

But I know why I can't go home yet. I have a mission to finish, at least, a mission for myself. A mission to grow into the likeness of my Saviour. And change is very painful indeed. Very painful--

The one comfort I have now is "Amazing Grace":

"Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come
T'was Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home."

I will not indulge my feelings too much tho. But a day to myself to feel what I am feeling is very relieving.