Some musings before I CHAO MUG for Mathx

Last blog entry today before I go.

I just got to see Janice's blog, through a whole series of links. Not the Janice who is my PA, fanclub president, Alpha co-worker, etc. =P It's the blog of my grandjunior from Hwa Chong. I used to chase her in my army days. It became an experiment that blew up in my face as well though.

She's now in the US studying (lucky gal)...and seeing her pic makes me realise how much she's changed, appearance and aLL. The last time I saw her was when she and a good friend of hers came to NUS to visit one of my pals/classmates from JC. That time I didn't think she'd changed so much.

Everytime I think of this girl, one persistent thought/worry always comes to mind. And that is, how's her walk with God? I remember the time when I was attracted to this lively, opinionated girl, and thought that she, being from the same A/G background as me, shouldn't be too far off. As it turns out, our walks with the Lord were on completely different paths. I don't want to comment on what hers is, 'cos it's not for me to judge. But everytime I remember what she had said to me about the Lord last time when she was in JC, I shudder with worry. Seeing her blog, which states in the same breath the F word and how her relationship with the Lord has become closer, worries me too.

I know. It's none of my concern. I know.

Can't help recalling the past and wondering about her as well. (silly sentimental me). She probably wouldn't be doing the same about me though, if my perception of her is correct. She's got more than her fair share of suitors, from what I think and know. So I don't think she will think. For me, I only have a string of regrets to think about. And one of them is and will be her.

I still can recall almost all the incidents of the past when I had spent time with her. Alas, memorials built where hope has long faded. It's not a choice though. It's things which I still remember--

a. the first time I was whisked away by a girl into a cab (the first time my life had EVER been so TCS 8)
b. she crying in front of me...and me being a complete bodoh, dunno how to offer tissue/shoulder, have to wait for her to take out herself and put it in my hand
c. go to Botanic Gardens, where for the first time I saw her fav tree (it's the ONLY trip to Botanic Gardens I actually enjoyed)
d. the person who actually taught me how to OPEN Bundaberg Root Beer (I promise you it's so hard to open when you don't know any better)
e. my fatal "Me 2 U" bear
f. the fatal "Me 2 U" card which made this friendship, a pyramid of cards, fall apart.

There's more, there's more. And I can only write so specifically 'cos I know she won't see this. Otherwise, I don't dare to write my own feelings so openly for something so tragic. But as I write this I relive the memory, and frankly, I don't want it to fade to oblivion. 'Cos it's sweet. Even if it were only for a time. And even if it's only so for me. Iz ever told me b4, somehow, what sentimental guys take as significant, girls don't even see it as such. And I think I must agree. That makes these memories also a knife through the heart.

I don't know, it's something about me, for a very long time I've wanted to know how she's been getting along. How life is for her, I guess. Not just she, but for all the girls I've loved before. I'm always this silent guardian angel...at least I want to know she's ok, doing well; and of course, most of the time, these girls do well, get on with life, and actually do VERY well indeed. =\ For some, not all, I manage to salvage the friendship, and they become good buddies instead. For some, like Janice, such occasions can be very painful. And oddly, it's these people that I tend to look out for rather than those who stay as my friends.

I don't know why...maybe those of you who study psychology know. I don't know. I wish I knew. Maybe it's the fact that there's something unresolved? I find it even more odd that some of these girls I've loved before affect me till today. Maybe, unknowing to myself, I have not forgiven these people for what I've experienced. Maybe I saw no need to -- how can you forgive something which they did not (directly) cause you? Maybe that's why I look out for them, with a dual look: both to guard the person who I love, and yet to see if some kind of providential justice befalls them. Don't let these opinions frighten you. they are "maybe"s, theoretical reasons why I may unwittingly do what I do and feel horrid when these people go on with their lives and become successful. Then again, there might be another reason...that I should hurt when they go "scot-free"...that I should feel such significance and they feel NONE, maybe just this sense of disappointment and being let-down.

There is a girl, who was once in that category, and who is now not. And that's because the Lord healed some of the terrible terrible wounds between the both of us. That's another story for another time. But maybe that holds the key to what I'm thinking. Maybe I long for that friendship to be restored. Maybe what I need is not an explanation but an experience of restoration and mutual forgiveness.

Those are easier to fulfil, I think. I think the hardest and most probably impossible expectation is that they should also feel that those experiences were significant, in the same way I feel about it. And I don't think that's realistic. So...I also dunno what to do.

I end my thoughts here.