A man of many needs

Today, I realised I am a man of many needs.

It's easy to forget I have these needs when they're being taken care of by people. But without these people, these needs resurface.

The sooner I realise I need people, even to enjoy my individual life, the better.

God has given me some really good people in my life. It's amazing how these people have contributed to the man I am today. These people I will always treasure: Daddy, Mummy, and Jan.

I will never walk away from the destiny you have for me, Lord. To learn contentment, that's all I ask. To be settled and still where I am, knowing you are the one who can truly push me forward.

I hope my needs will be fulfilled one day. They seem to be a bottomless pit. Maybe they are. Maybe they are why I need people. Maybe they will also be the reason why I can finally stay still.

Sometimes I wonder why some initiatives seem like bashing my head upon the wall. I was not cut out for it. Really. I try, but I'm just not cut out for it. I'm too emotionally needy to be able to stand on my two feet.

Maybe this neediness will never stop.

But I will be content. And I will say of the Lord,

"You are my shield, my strength,
My fortress, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower,
My ever present help in times of need."

I am strengthened. My self-image is up. It stops being bashed. It is now renewed.

I will stop relying on the praises and attentions of others. May his strength be more than enough. To stop relying on the wayward support of man that needs striving. To have faith, not desperation. To move, resting.

These are the sayings of King Lemuel, an oracle that his mother taught him.

"O my son, son of my womb, O son of my promises, do not spend your strength on women, on those who ruin kings. And it is not for kings, O Lemuel, to guzzle wine. Rulers should not crave liquor. For if they drink, they may forget their duties and be unable to give justice to those who are oppressed. Liquor is for the dying, and wine for those in deep depression. Let them drink to forget their poverty and remember their troubles no more. Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, ensure justice for those who are perishing. Yes, speak up."

Yes, I will do so. Abandon foolishness for the perishing, but for me who is rising, to follow wisdom. To stop chasing after the wind. My heart tears at this nonetheless. But it is for the good of my esteem. And it is the will of the Lord.